Part One -- Quality Lincoln
Lincoln suffered
from depression, Joe
but it wasn't
because of the war, you know
and it wasn't
because of his son who died
or the wacky
behavior of his bride
Lincoln had a rare
disease
They cloned his
bones, said a magazine
No, they didn't
have the know-how in those days
It isn't Grant in
Lincoln's tomb
but it isn't Abe,
it's some baboon
A gangly goon in
fancy pants
who took the good
man's place by chance
Lincoln had a rare
disease
Booth killed an
ape that wore his sleeves
No, they didn't
have the know-how
didn't have a cure
in those days
Lincoln
It shouldn't
happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda' happened
all to Jefferson Davis
or that
condesending General Sherman
with his
inimitable bow-tie snapping
Shouldn't happen
to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda' happened
all to Colonel Smith
Lincoln's got no
kin today
The Lincoln name
is dead
Got to find some
dna
got to dig up
Lincoln's head
Lincoln had a rare
disease
that turned him
into a chimpanzee
No they didn't
have the know-how
didn't have a cure
in those days
Lincoln
It shouldn't
happen to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda' happened
all to Jefferson Davis
or that
condesending General Sherman
with his
inimitable bow-tie snapping
Shouldn't happen
to our quality Lincoln
Shoulda' happened
all to Colonel Smith
Part 2 -- Lincoln Tool
I was with Booth
when he plotted the assassination of Abraham Lincoln
This is the truth;
I was troubled 'bout imancipation of them there slaves
so I offered up my
sword to the confederacy at large
and here I am
I was a reb' in
the guise of a Union Colonel with all those fools
I butchered a town
just to prove to them that I was a loyal Lincoln tool
Then in order to
escape my shame, I wandered into outer space
and here I am
Part 3 -- Cousin Smith
Dynamite baked in
a pie for my little cousin Zachary
Privately hoping
that I won't receive payment in kind from all of these
Northern-bred
paritsans of the cause that brought me fame
I am the Smith
that gave all of the Smiths their bad name
What would you
think of a man who, out of his pride and arrogance,
threw in his lot
with a plan to betray our quality nation's president?
Safe until Great
Birnan Wood scaled high Dunsinane,
he was the Lincoln
who gave every king their bad name
© 1993 by Matthew & Joseph Perry
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